ive been writing n writing n writing....invitations tht is...lol...n my hands hurt nwwww!!! lol

n ermmmmmm..

yeh thts it really..lol...

ooh...tried coconut sheesha today....mmm...nice!!

lol

xxx

dunno..feelin kinda low today...been thinkin a bit...n i guess its kinda jus a few things buggin me...

last night was talkin 2 sum1...n it was like..they were tellin me abt sum kinda access numbers to call abroad or sumthin....n i suggested buyin fone cards...wats the reply...whos gna buy fone cards everyday....jus mkes me think...hmm...i was away for ten mths...n nobody really gave a shit...hmm...maybe i shud jus get the hint...if u dnt wana kno me...then dnt pretend...im better off knowin...rather than wastin time n emotions on ppl who dnt really give a crap...

think thts the story of my life...trustin n believin in the wrong ppl...n continuously gettin hurt...maybe i shud jus go hibernate...

why do i care abt ppl who dnt give a crap....i think theres sumthin really wrng wit me...wat tht is...im not too sure...but yes..there is sumthin wrng wit me...

well either way....i cnt really b bothered nw....think im jus gna go...

oh...forgot to mention....today was like aaarrggh...had psycholinguistics work to hand in...n omggg..i done it allll in less than 6hrs!! no matta hw many times i tell amina tht we shud start the work early...neva seem to get it done early...i think the only thing tht i did..was disso!

anyways..really cnt b botherd nw...

xxx

yuk yuk yukkkkkk am watchin fear factor n omg is it nastyyyyyy!!! its like the worst ive eva watched....nastyyyy.....

they hav to drink like a mix of duck tongues, maggots, rotting fish...n ermm...pig sumthin...eeewwww....n they all been pukin n styuff eeewwww...

i shud b doin sum work rite now..

am kinda tired...

think i mite actually go bed n wake up in mornin..n do it...or sumthin...

i duno...

n grrrr....my 6610's playin up....ufff...dnt get why its messin up....

then again..ive had it abt 3yrs nw...maybe evn 4...so hmm...mite see if i can get it fixd or sumthin...

neways...am off

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sumtimes it can b good to jus cry ur eyes out...even if ur not really sure why...

its hard to always try keep a strong face...cos in the end...u jus end up breaking...

grrrrr

cnt b bothered

ppl jus piss me off

right now..last place i wanna b is...at home...

why...im not so sure...i guess i feel like i need a break...feels like everyones gangin up on me...actually scratch that...its not a feeling..its the bloody truth...theyre continuously at me for no effin reason...i dnt evn get wat the f*ck it is tht ive done...

mum n dad seem to think theyre bein funny...especially dad....n its such a pathetic sense of humour...im gettin really sick of it...n mum...she plays along wit it too...

maz..shes jus bein moody at me for no reason...n bhai...im not gna bother...hes jus a pain in the posterior in general...he neva has anythin nice to say....n then wat happens...i get the blame for bein rude to him...wen he starts is...like wat the f*ck has he got against me?!!?! i dnt flippin do nothin to him...yet he goes around screamin blue murder wen i havent even effin touched him! stupid pr*ck!

neways...cnt b botherd wit this nw...

laterz

 

 

its soo cold today!!! aarrgghh!! *shiverz*

fink am ill?? hmm..mayb i am...or mayb am gettin ill...i dunno...

well either way...ive not cme 2cmplaim bwt d weatha...or me gettin ill..

had a nice day today..went to uni n then linked wit fahmida...was me n tacha...ooh...bumped into kara from school too!! shes doin engineering at UCL!!! wooaahh!! thts well good!!! n oh yeh...bumped into taz, subz, anita n najaf in nando's wen we went to eat!!!

got loadsa work to do...its depressin me....seriously...once again ive left courswrk to the last min....n i jus realised tht ive got less than a week to get it done....not only tht...but cant find the thing i need to be workin from...so thts bleh...

had an interestin lesson today at uni..we were talkin abt clashes of identity for arabs in america..n frm tht...we went on to hw we feel here in the uk...is there a clash btween bein muslim, indian and british...?..n is there a clash between the younger generation and the older generation...its soooo true...there soooo is...like i feel tht wit my family....like smtimes tht mum n dad dnt understand me...or dnt want to....sumtimes still feels like theyre stuk in the victorian era...its like u wanna say "helloooo we're in the 21st century"....im not sayin let me go partying or wateva....jus be a bit more open in thought....

ooh maz's jus cme home...kinda freaked out...think they think sum1s broken into the limes...hope things are okay..theyve taken dad wit em...inshaAllah hope fings are k...

neway...wher was i...? oh yeh..this whole clash thing...i do find it annoyin....n today...jus felt like ive had enuff...got home n mum n dad both really annoyed me...im nt gna go on n on n on abt it...cos its not really sumthin i wanna do..so im jus gna shutup...

im gna go nw...

tired...n this courswrk things doin my head in...so am gna try find sumthin abt this....grrrrrr!!

xxxxxxx

ooh...i forgot to add...lolz...came home smellin like a perfume shop...hehe...cos we went into this shop n sprayed ourselves wit evrythin...jus to see wat it smelt like..hehe...tht was funny..n i learnt sumthin new in french!!! ange au demone...lolz...sumthin like tht....(tach dnt kill me..lol) it means angel or devil....hehe its quite a nice smellin perfume!!

neway..really gna go nw

xxxxx

im SUPOSED to be studyin...but rite nw...i reaalllyy cant b botherd... have i got any hmwrk for tmrw?....dnt think so...

im supposed to be doin quite a few things..bt today...jus dnt feel like doin anythin...

got a headache actually....tempted to go sleep...but im babysittin at the moment...shes half asleep tho...so im okay....for now...im dreadin the point wher i'll hav to change her nappy....eekk...thts one thing i dnt wana do....

mums gne hospital u see....for her arm...finally....these referral thingys....the lists are looong....u sign up... dnt get an appointment till 2 mths later...actually....i think we booked this before mum n dad went for Hajj....so technically...its abt 3mths...

jus hope tht inshaAllah sumthin cn b done...its been a yr nw...n altho there has been sum improvement...she still cnt move her arm much...

its cold...think i need to book an eye appointment....think my eyes hav gotten worse....like they hurt n stuff...i kno, i kno, i shudve worn my glasses...etc etc..but i dnt like wearin em....well..actually...i dnt mind...i jus keep forgettin...

got linguistics courswrk to get dun for nxt week...not started it yet...and got an arabic one too...think the arabic shud b oki inshaAllah...mayb im SUPPOSED to be doin tht right now..

i hate studying....i hate studying at home...n there was sum1 tryin 2 convince me to do a PGCE...ermm..dnt think so...dnt think i cn do anotha yr of study...and spend my life in the world of study....i kno..i kno..i wont be the one learning...but still...dnt think im cut out for it...

i wana go sumwher...wher...im not sure...jus away...on a holiday or sumthin...i dunno...part of me wants to completely change my life...but thts nt gna happen isit...? wishful thinkin...doesnt really get u anywher...n its nt tht easy to change lives is it...soo.hmm...am gna stop dreaming....

bro in law's comin on friday inshaAllah...its gna b weird...cos i kno Maz is gna b alot more busy wit him n stuff...but thts oki...

i gtg...babys awake...gna feed her

x x x x x x

gna mke ths quik...days been okay...went to uni...lecture was soooo random...Dr.B was in suchhhh a weird mood...!!! got in the lift wit him on the way to lesson...n he saw my coffee in my hand n goes "i want tht finished before the lesson starts"...eh...thts not wat he normally says...hes usually okay wit it...

neway...got into lesson...n ten mins later...he locks the door....not gna let in late comers....hmm..thts a first...methinks hes in a bad mood...lesson went pretty slow...he got a bit tetchy wit amina..cos she was yawning...he kept lookin at me as if i'd kno all the ansas..lmao..i swer ppl probs think im sum kinda suck-up in class...cos i think i was the only one askin mosta the questions....and answering em!!...n then he goes to me..."ur the best student in this class" lmao..yeh...we'll c afta exam results cme out whos best in the class!!

afta tht...me n Mina went for lunch...was a nice lil lunch we had in the cafe Tessi n i go to quite often...had sandwiches n tea... then made our way bak 2 the regent campus..cos Mina had lecture at 2...tacha called to ask if i was gna join her n Tessi on their shopping spree..i told Tessi earlier on tht i wasnt gna...cos i wanted to get sum wrk dun...but Tacha convinced me...AND Mina...lolz...so we all ended up goin!! so we went to Hammersmith...n ended up spendin aaages shoppin...lolz..but it was kinda fun...we were completely knackered by the end of it tho!!

thot we cud make it bak 2 oxfrd circus in time for a coffee before lecture..ended up runnin to the cafe...n practically runnin it to sainsbury's before lesson n alhamdulillah made it jus on time..actually...before the lecturer turned up...lolz....so yeh....

jus completely knackerd nw....so am gna mke a move n go sleep..

till nxt times random ramblings...

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its amazing to realise u hav relatives u neva knew abt...lol..i kno tht sounds strange...but a lotta the time..i guess i dnt pay attention to whos related to me n in wat way...

well we had sum visitors ova today...theyre actually ppl....probably the same age as my mum n dad...brother n sister...n theyre my sister, brother, and my second cousins...its amazin!...cos theyre nani (mum's mum)..was our dadi's (dad's mum) sister!...

born in South Africa, raised in England, the sister married to an Iraqi...lived in Iraq for most of her life..has 5 children mashaAllah...one in Yemen, another in South Africa..n the other three in Iraq....her Arabic is AMAZING mashaAllah! n her deen...omg..mashaAllah i think to myself...i'd love to be like her...she knows so much mashaAllah!

gtg...lost flow of thot..

xxx

yayyyy *jumps up n dwn*....i found the arabic lyrics to the nasheed!!!

فرشي التراب يضمني وهو غطائي
حولي الرمال تلفني بل من ورائي
واللحد يحكي ظلمة فيها ابتلائي
والنور خط كتابه أنسى لقائي
والأهل اين حنانهم باعوا وفائي
والصحب اين جموعهم تركوا اخائي
والمال اين هناءه صار ورائي
والاسم اين بريقه بين الثناءِ
هذي نهاية حالي فرشي الترابِ
والحب ودّع شوقه وبكى رثائي
والدمع جف مسيره بعد البكاء
والكون ضاق بوسعه ضاقت فضائي
فاللحد صار بجثتي أرضي سمائي
هذي نهاية حالي فرشي الترابِ
والخوف يملأ غربتي والحزن دائي
أرجو الثبات وإنه قسما دوائي
والرب أدعو مخلصا أنت رجائي
أبغي إلهي جنة فيها هنائي

 

n heres the english!!

been a long day...n its not evn over yet...woke up for fajr..cudnt sleep afta..so stayd up a lil while...n then sumhw drifted off to sleep....woke up again around 10ish...had a shower n went to help mum out...kinda thought she'd throw a tantrum at me..cos i woke up late...it was only the other day tht she told me tht i gotta b up b 9 on saturdays!! oopsie!

well...either way...alhamdulillah the days been pretty good...i cooked...lunch and dinner (cos nihari takes a little longer to cook...got most of it prepared..jus got final touches to do...add bit of flour etc)....n made rice wit coconut curry fr lunch...yummm! (tasted pretty good if i do say so myself..lol) mum cut herself! tut...tht was frm the tin of coconut milk...so i played doctor...lolz...gettin her a plaster etc etc...hehe...we watched sum mirch masala...sum weirrdd lookin mithai thingy they made...mum was like..it tastes yuk...i dnt like it....lolz...not in those words tho... n they were showin delhi/agra on it!! n they showd the Taj Mahal n Fatehpur Sikri (duno if ive spelt tht rite...) n i goes to mum "thees is faatepuur....n thaaat is siiikree.... follow me" lolz...cos wen we went we had this really funny tour guide...n i jus thot of him n his typical indian accent n "follow me" lolz....ah memories...!

talkin abt memories...its weird hw u think sum1 mite hav forgotten sumthin...only to realise tht they actually havnt...im gna say this in a completely roundabout way...but like if u think uve rememberd sumthin tht matters to u...but doesnt matter to sum1 else..cos u think they dnt really remember things like tht...cos possibly accordin to them its not important...n then u find out tht they do remember...hmmm..its weird..n like the person's kept note of it...nw thts sumthin i found weird...kinda confusin actually...i guess cos im still cynical abt wat this person considers me as....hmm..watever...mona..stop thinkin...it doesnt help...but upset u...

nw...oh yeehh...i wantd to put this is cos it was like the sweetest thing eva!! Tessa called me up last night...n we spoke for aaages!!..but like it was really sweet..cos she called up to apologise for not givin me enuff time over the week...n tht she felt like she wasnt payin enuff attention...bless her!! its things like tht tht really make u appreciate friends/ sisters.....im really glad tht i did get to kno her a lot better...especially our time in Egypt together...lolllzzz..we were rememberin abt this film festival we went to in Cairo...thought we were gna watch international movies...with English subtitles....boyyy were we wrong!! we went to see a Chinese movie...with Arabic Subtitles....do the math...we didnt fully understand the film...partly cos we spent too much time tryin to figure out wat was goin on...n the otha time..tryin to make sense of the Arabic subtitles tryin to get a clue of wat was bein said....i wanna find the film wit English subtitles..i think it mite be quite a good movie actually...*looks for notebook*...ive got the title written dwn sumwher....

well....ermm...think ive found sumthin...it cud b...."girl over the yellow river"....or..."a bright moon"...or maybe neither...! i cant remember if we stuk to the list we had...lolz...hmmm...well...mite do a google search n see if sumthin cmes up...

till then

xxxxxxxxx

im supposed to be doin coursewrk rite nw...its due tomorro...n im not gettin anywher...i hate this..ive had 3weeks to do it..but it wasnt...n still isnt makin sense...!!

its supposed to b a 200-250 word...(i think)...commentary on a newspaper report abt a conference tht happend last mth in london..called...a world civilisation or a clash of civilisations?...it was held by Ken Livingstone...so yeh..umm...sounds interestin..but im nt sure hw exactly to get the whole thing dwn to such a short summary..im tryin n tryin n tryin...

wanna cry nw i think...

gna try get it dne...

bleh its valentines day tomorro...the ickiest day of the yr....sappy n watnot....its all a commercial scam really...all abt makin money blah blah...n ppl get dragged into it...lol...

neways..bak 2 wrk...

xxxx

i found it i found it i found ittt!!! *jumps up n dwn wit joy!!*

lolz...no im not mad...but i finallllyyy found a full version of the duaa al muallim wich i wanted!!! yayy!!!

its the first link in the column wit the tick!! woohooo!!

ermm...yeh...thts the only reason i came ere! lolz

xxxx

went to see this movie today..was interesting...different...a cute-sy romance movie....Music and Lyrics...wit Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore...it was cute...was pretty funny too!!!  lol...thres this song in it..."pop goes my heart" lolllllzzzzzzz....its sooo funny..its like an 80s style song...n the vids hilarious too!! hehehe.....the otha song in it was really nice too...was slightly twisted in sum way...like this singer in it...she was weirddddddddd...

so yeh....went to see tht....n went to eat at Sahara Grill....was nice...jus bein wit maz n cousins n friends...cos jiju's comin nxt week...so things are gna b diferent....am happy for maz...but its nt gna b the same...so am nt lookin 4wd to tht....

cnt hav it all can we??

omg...completely forgot tht i was bloggin...so this is like..ermm an hr afta i actually cliked the new blog thingy....

am sooo random...well...watchin this movie....errrmmm...i dunno wat its called...its got fardeen khan...zayed khan and...sum otha dude...and sanjay dutt....interestin.....hmmmmm....lolz....sumthin abt the guys havin affairs...lolz...hmmm wonder if its a copy of masti....hmmm..

neway...am gna go nw

xxxx

 

 

ive had that bit of tht song ringin in my head since this mornin wen i woke up to find my windw completely covered in white....(i did the stupid thing n tried to open the stupid thing....duuuh...loft window...i had little bits of snow fallin in!)...am stupid..yes i kno...dnt need u to tell me that...thankuverymuch...

ooh...its rainin nw...tht means tht inshaAllah it'll b warmer tomorro....(i dunno..am makin it up)...jus hope theres none of tht slushy/iced-up sorta thing tomorro....othawise...i aint goin uni...lol...

still feelin that low-ness...n still not sure why...plus i think am gettin ill....or am ill...or sumthin...

i swer....its like..yesterday...it was cold as it was...not cold evn...freezing...n wat does the uni library do???....they had the flippin air conditioning on full blast....ppl were wrapped up in coats n scarves n still freezin to death n no1 seemed to care...like 4 ppl went to ask....n all the response was "put a coat on".....nw tht takes the pee....big time...wats worse is tht i stupidly was sittin in a place wher the air con was rite on my head....my heads still hurtin frm tht...

ermmmm....head hurts...been tryin 2 do this uni work for a while nw...gna go pray n then mayb lie dwn for a bit...

so till later

xxx

been thinkin abt this the last coupla days...n not sure whether i shud take my parents seriously....or dad atleast...mums already given me her opinion... n its one tht this bunny isnt very happy abt...

it all startd as a comment made frm wen we were talkin abt....well...actually...cnt remember wat we were talkin abt...but the topic of dad workin in saudi came into convo....n i was like oooh....mayb i shud work in an arab country...no taxes..housing provided..blah blah.... n i was like to mum...im gna work in dubai...n she goes...yeh i'll cme stay wit u (lolz...obviously nt in tht way, but u kno wat i mean...)....so like yeh...this ideas been reeling thru my head...shud i? shudnt i..? apply for jobs in the middle east, that is...n if ive got the opportunity...why not?? right???

so nw...suddenly...i ask mum...mum..u bein serious abt me goin abroad?....n wats the ansa...noo..its only a joke...jus been messin around....so theres my little bubble...slowly deflating right in front of my eyes....n me gettin a little vexed...no fair...why cant i if the job opps are betta there...maybe i can get a betta job there...in sumthin i wanna do..with better pay...im not sayin i definitely wanna go...but if the opportunity is there...why not???....

so me asks dad....he says "sure, why not, go for it"....but me's still a lil cynical abt it...i dnt kno if hes really truly bein serious...

wat do i do....wat do i do... i really wanna do sumthin n go sumwher wher im not stuk in a rut...n maybe, jus mayb these pastures new may bring out better opportunities...who knows...

anyways....thats my rambling for the day done...

off to sleep now...

xxxxxxx

another day...n i still kinda feel as low as i did the otha day...(av, dnt get worried, im fine...really)

dnt kno wat it is actually....cant really put my finger on it...but jus cant get rid of this feeling...its like an all time low...why...i wish i knew...

kno wat...ive jus thot abt this..n...think it mite b sum stupid psychological thingummyjig...cos i swear around the same time last yr...i was feelin the same...its like the february blues...n i kno they wont go away....atleast till ive spent a good day or so cryin my eyes out....yes...maybe...jus maybe...that mite help...

its like im tryna make sense of this feeling...why am i feeling like this...n i guess there are sum possible answers...but still....they dont completely add up...

its one of them feelings...like not bein able to let go..even tho theres so much hurt...n altho lettin go mite ease it...or the feeling may go away completely...theres sumthin holdin me back....wat that sumthin is?...im not sure....

things feel pretty messed up generally...jus feel like im building up a wall again.....tryin harder n harder to keep ppl out...think maybe that mite b a better option...its hard enuff feelin like this nw...

i dnt kno why i do it...i trust ppl who end up hurtin me...n turn away those tht actually care...

think theres sumthn wrng wit me...

m gna go nw...

xxx

 

ps: on a lighter note i jus rememberd (17:00) i had suchhh a nice dream this mornin...lolz...cnt remmber it all...but it had abhishek bachchan in it..n mmmm did he look good or wat....hehe... x x

im watchin Raaz! lolz...finally!!

been too chicken to watch it...

its not so bad actualy....wat was i scared of??? lolz...mayb the scarier part is to cme? lolz... i dunno *hides behind sofa*

eugh...its a copy of Wat Lies Beneath...well...kinda...lolz...

anyways.......

am off...

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think ive been thnkin too much... i dunno...but thinkin in a way wher ive jus ended up upsettin myself...

part of me jus wants to go sumwher n scream n cry my lungs out...anotha wants to punch a hole in the wall (altho am sure i'd do more damage to my hand than the wall)...

dnt kno...jus feel very very very annoyed wit myself...i let things get to me wen i shudnt...n i neglect the things i shud b focusing on...

im even more annoyed at the fact that im so detached of emotion at times....its times like tht wen i really get peed off wit myself...wat dyu do wen sum1 says sumthin....but cos u dnt kno hw they feelin..wat they been thru...wat the hell dyu say..."yeh i kno wat u mean"....flippin heck..wats the point of sayin sumthn like tht if u dnt kno wat they sayin..!!??

oh i dunno...

stupidest thing is...im lettin things...n ppl...who i shudnt....get to me...they not even doin anythin...n they gettin to me...why...cos i hate the silent treatment...omg...do i hate it...i cnt take it half the time if mum doesnt talk 2 me for less than a day....so if ive not heard frm sum1 for a few days...nw that really bugs...at the same time...i gotta keep in mind that ppl do hav better things to do than try n mke idle chit chat wit a boring so n so like me..... so erm....maybe i shud take that bak..its okay...i dnt need to b talked to...

oh i dunno...yes yes...i kno...am repeatin myself...but truthfully....if i wana go round in circles...so be it....im not forcin anyone to read this...

so anyway...wher was i...oh yes...this crappy feelin..sumtimes jus feel like am doin or sayin things for otha ppl to be happy...wen truthfully...on the inside...im not happy at all...its like...upsettin myself for others' happiness...but hey...thats wat lifes abt right...sumtimes u gotta make sacrifices....lol...im makin it seem like im doin sumthin so major...i dnt think they're even eligible to b deemed "sacrifices"...

think theres a lotta things in my head right nw that need to b made sense of..jus not sure hw thts gna b done...

lets jus hope sum kinda solution turns up soon...

am outa ere....

xxxxxxx

 

i jus realised...the title doesnt go wit wat the blogs abt..i guess...cos wen i was thinkin abt this blog...i was thinkin abt the things in life that i regret...not havin said things to ppl....not havin done things for ppl...n havin dun things n said things that i really shudnt hav..things that really pick at my conscience at times wen i really dnt want them to...but those are the moments wen these things creep up on u...at the times wen ur most vulnerable....the times wen ur feelings are most sensitive....the times wen u really feel like u need sum1..n it jus feels like ur completely alone.....its like...smthin i heard or read sumwhr...u mite b in a crowded room...or smwher surrounded by ppl...maybe evn ppl ur closest to...or the ones u love...yet at that specific moment....uve never felt more alone in ur life...wen it jus feels like u wanna give up...wen things jus dnt seem to go right....those are the times....but oh well....its these times..n hw we overcome them, n tackle them that makes us who we are...and (hopefully) makes us better ppl...so... on this weird note... i think i will finish this ere...

till nxt time

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