feel like goin shoppin...n spendin a lotta money...on nothin....think i need sum kinda retail therapy....im nt so sure what it is tht im goin thru....maybe i jus need to go for a walk...or maybe go n sit in a cafe wit a book n a coffee...mm i cud do wit a chai latte...mayb i'll go early tomorro n get a coffee before the assessment o sumthin...

omg...tht reminds me! assessment!! tomorro!! aarrggh!! not lookin forward to tht at all!! interpreting!!!yikes!!

im actually sat doin sum research.....or once...im doin work in advance n not leavin it to the last min...thot i'd try get a lil headstart on my essay abt developmental dyslexia...

ooh head hurts..n the earaches are back...bleh....

a gna go...

xxx

im having a stupid idiot moment...

its one of them times wen u think n think n think sooo much tht u jus end up gettin urself depressed...n i guess thts hw im feelin at the moment...

thinkin abt a lotta things...things tht hav happend..things tht i regret...things tht hav changed...things tht are going to change....

i wish i cud turn back time n erase all those things that hav happend tht have made me the weaker person i am today... i wanna turn back and take advantage of the things i let go so easily cos i thought i wasnt good enough....i wanna turn back time n not meet the people who might have taught me to love...but hurt me the most...

its tru u cant change the past...u shud jus learn from it n hope not to make the same mistakes again...but thts haardd...n ive learnt tht the hard way...u cant jus forget things jus like tht...

eugh...so many things i feel so bleh abt...i cnt evn think wat they all are...

ggrrr....Tessi's gna kill me if she reads this!!! its only today tht she was tellin me not to let things get to me or upset me...ooppssss!! sowwwiiii am tryin to smileee!!!!

im off nw... feel kinda sick...n got dishes to wash

xxxxxxxxx

lolz...heres a blog dedicated to my sisoooo aishaaa!!!

lolz..why...?? jus cos...well we dnt chat often...but wen we doo...we dont stoppp...lolllzzz....

aissshhh!!!! misss u sisoooooooo!!

ermm...thts all i really wanted to say

xxxxxx

n  never come back...

n truthfully..tht jus seems like the best option right now..

feel like im goin mad... n i dnt want to feel like this!!

its like...theres only so much of sumthin u can take...n once tht level has been reached...u feel like ur on the brink of...i dnt kno...insanity??

im not sayin im literally goin insane...but sumtimes...in my head...or atleast lately... i really feel like tht...

the otha day...god knows wat came over me..n i was sooo rude to sum1...n its like..thts nt normal of me...im nt rude to ppl...especially wen theyve not really done anythin... i dunno... i really dont...

lol..the otha day...sumbody said to me..tht i need to get married...thts why im feelin like this...cos "its time"...lol..yeh rite...me n get married??...as mum says..."whos gna marry me??"...n rite nw..i agree wit her...who'd want to marry an idiot like me...?

no im not sayin this to gain sum kinda sympathy...cos thankyouverymuch....i sure as hell dnt need sympathy..."aaww"s and "aah"s arent flippin gna help...

yes i kno...im a shit person...and im not as nice as u think...and?? u think i really care...maybe this is the real me...maybe it isnt..rite now..i sure as hell dont care...cos i dont kno who the hell i am anymore...

its like...everythin i do has gotta hav an ansa to it....why am i early frm uni today...why am i late...next it'll b...why am i breathing???!!

i dnt even kno wat to do anymore...its like no matter wat i do..its not good enough...the things i do...are never considered..its always the negative points tht stick...n i sure as hell cant b the person other ppl want me to be...i cant change who i am..u kno...like hw they say...u cant teach an old dog new tricks....n this dog sure as hell cant...

im tired...n ive got an oral assessment tomorro in topics in interpreting....oh joy...

fink im gna go nw..

xxxx

Onced Jibraeel (AS) came to Muhammad (SAW) and said, "Allah gave me the knowledge to count every leaf on the earth, every fish in the sea, every star in the sky, and every particle of sand on the earth, but there is only one thing i cannot count". Muhammad (SAW) asked "what is it?"

Jibraeel (AS) replied; when one of your ummah recites Durood-o-salaam to you, the blessing Allah (SWT) showers upon him becomes impossible for me to count. SubhanAllah!

if theres eva been a time ive been disapointed with myself...todays gotta be the day wher im the most disapointed..EVER!

why...? cos i feel like ive not done as well as i should hav...man i feel like kicking myself...or hibernating...or sumthin...

its jus..just wen i think ive gotten sumwher...sumthin seems to go wrong...like yesterday at uni...i thot "yeh inshaAllah this presentation is gona go well"...n wat happens?? things go dwnhill once i get home...wich means my concentration levels are completely messed up...cudnt think...cudnt write...cudnt prepare...

i really wish i cudve jus ran out the classroom n spared myself the feeling of bein a complete idiot...i mean like im soooo stupid...i even bloody said sumthin in english in a dumbass arabic accent...like hw stupid can i get...n wat did i say to justify myself...? i was tryin to get into character..yeh rite...mona..shutup...

i kno, i kno...the work is only 5% of the final grade....but every mark counts...n jus cos one module's marks are a little better...doesnt mean i can slack on the other...this IS the final year...i cant spend it faffing around....

actually...nw...technically...it cant even b called the final yr...its the final 2mths...or even less..!! n that means the end of the year...the end of uni....

i cnt believe its gna b over so soon....hw cud the last 5mths hav gone so fast tht we havnt even realised wats happend...theres so much more to discuss...theres so much more self discovery tht needs to be done....so hw cn uni b over so soon?!?

i dnt wana grow up...i dnt wana go into the world of work...i dnt want things to change...i really dont...

hmm...think im gna end ere...got nothin betta to do...but im tired...

xxxxxx

wen ur family's against u...?

ok ok..nt the whole family...but mum...shes always takin sides wit bro...n it pisses me off...big time...

why is it tht he cud get away wit murder...n wen it cmes to me...the littlest...minutest of things...is made into a mountain n gone on n on n on abt like its the worlds biggest crime...

i kno theres no point in complaining...but im gna anyway...n its bloody not fair!

mums always got sumthin or the otha to say against me...shes neva got anythin nice to say...looks for any opportunity to make me feel reeallllyy small...never any kind of encouragement...jus always sum kinda taunts....like today...she tells me off for wantin to watch sumthin...SORRY i didnt wana watch those stupid dramas for once...SORRY for watchin tv in the dining room...n then in walks lil bro..n he wants to watch the bloody football...n hes allowed to watch wat he wants wen he wants....doesnt matter if otha ppl wana watch otha things..i told him from this aftanoon tht i wantd to watch this program....n wat does mum do...?? take HIS side....like IM the one whos in the wrong...its ok tht he jus walks in n changes the channel...n if i do tht to him...then IM STILL the one in the wrong!!! like how the f*ck does tht work!?!?!?!

i jus dnt get it...n then she jus goes on n on n on...n doesnt stop...goes from one thing onto another....she never has anythn nice to say...she starts again wit the "nobodys gna marry u" speech...n the normal shit....im gettin used to it...in thru one ear n out thru the otha..wat else am i supposed to do?? theres only so much u can take...n truthfully ive had enough...

i hate being here...i really do...hate bein the person i am...n hate the way ppl make me...

theres only so much u can take...hw can u b sum1 ur not...its always pressure from all sides....parents havin certain expectations...friends havin others...i jus wish i cud disappear...

had enuff

im goin

x

omg..was this weekend hectic or wat..but alhamdulillah things went sooo well!!

i was sooo stressed..swear there were points wher i was hyperventilating...

but alhamdulillah all the family were there to help out...n omg..were they a great help...

feet were killin by the end of the day...but it was jus sooo nice being around everyone...was a bit crazy....but nice...i lost the bottom of my heel..lol..so was kinda half limping around..

umm...i cant think...too tired...

maz looked good in the valima suit n jeeju was wearina nice black n red tux....n meee...lolz...was so shiny!!! lmao...got so many comments abt hw sparkly i looked...lolz

ooww....my fingers really hurtin....jabbed myself with a safety pin wen gettin hijaab on...n oooww..its killin!!!

went to green st today n got sooo many hijaabs!! lol...am nt gna buy any more for a while... i hope..lol

ermm..am tired..cant think

gna go...

xxxxxx

wbe actually wanted to watch Babel..but there wasnt a local cinema showing the movie...so we decided on sumthin else....realised tht the otha cinemas werent showin Freedom Writers eitha...so...we ended up goin to see The Illusionist....

wow was it an amazin movie....it started off slow...it was only Tessa, me n one otha guy in the cinema...lolz...

so...as i was sayin...yeh...it started off slow...most of the movie was like flashback..cos it was showing the series of events tht led to a certain point....n omg...i dnt wana give the film away!! but the illusions were amazing...and the storyline was pretty captivating...makin u wanna kno wat exactly is goin on!!!

aarrggh...

ermm..yeh thts it really

had a really nice day wit Tessa...apart from the tuna fishy pizza...a little too tuna-ey..lolzzzz

x x x

someone told me tht the Prophet (s.a.w) said we shouldnt watch the eclipse, rather, pray two raka'ah nafil salaah....if not that..then atleast supplicate...

im sure there is some wisdom to what he said (p.b.u.h)...theres always a reason...probably sumthin like pagan worshipping of the moon or sumthin...cos im sure i read sumwher tht there was sumthin abt the lunar eclipse bein seen as an omen or sumthin...hmm...welll, watever the case...

but at the same time..there was sumthin compelling me to stare at it..there was like sum kinda force that jus made me sit n stare out my window n watch as the darkness clouded over the bright milky whiteness...

whats the harm in marvelling over one of Allah (s.w.t)'s natural miracles?...its not everyday u see an eclipse...so why cant we look at it n ponder over Allah (s.w.t)'s creation..? i mean for me..the moons always had a magical charm to it...wenever i cn see the moon beams comin thru my bedroom window...it jus mkes me smile...thers sumthin romantic abt moonlight...and sumthin...in sum way melancholic...its like...sittin in solitude in the darkness....thinkin...n wit sum kinda burden on my heart...lol...am such a sap...n im nt gna deny..but ther hav been times wher sumthin abt the sittin in solitude wit moonlight has made me cry...not 100% sure why tho...a mix of things i guess...

whilst sittin n watchin the moon...a strange shiver overtook...like suddenly it felt colder..but mayb thts cos i was sat on the floor..wit no heating...and wasnt movin...lol...there wasnt a sound apart from rthe tick tock of the clock in my room...its so weird..but wen its quiet things jus sound so much louder...tht evn the tick tock was quite disturbing...could hear muffled conversations from nxt door thru the paper-thin/carboard-thick walls...lolz...n the occasional car driving by...spoiling tht calm silence...or even the revving of a motorbike...theyre so noisy!! lol...but then thts not my fault...or the car's for that matter....hmmm...

anyway...so there i was...lookin out the window...the moon seemed so tiny...so far away...dduhh..yes, i kno its far away...but u kno wat i mean.....anyway..so ther i was...sittin..watchin..supplicating...its amazin hw slowly slow...the colour changed from the dark dusky grey to tht dusky reddish colour...but as i was supplicating...so many things came to mind...was i even makin duaa in the right way..?...like i kno there are certain etiquettes to duaa...n then i think to myself..is there any reason why Allah (s.w.t) would listen or answer my duaas..? like wat hav i done...as a muslim, as a person, to make Him want to answer my duaa..?

by this time...it was around 11:10....n the reddish colour had jus abt taken over the whole moon...it was like...u kno wen u look at the moon n its covered by clouds...completely....so then theres like complete darness...n jus a lil bit of light...a duskiness to it...wel...thts kinda wat it looked like...but nt evn tht...cos of the reddishness...there was sum kinda eeriness to it...not like scary eerie...but like...calm n beautiful kinda eerie....im nt even sure hw to xplain ot....n at the same time... ive been thinkin abt eclipses...like why did the moon turn red...? wat was the reasoning...? i mean like im sure theres scientific reasoning to it...

neway....this is the end of this blog...cos my mind now has gone blank...

xxxxxxxx

the weekend started pretty.... interestin....i guess cos of the conversation i had wit Tessa on friday evening...jus things abt wat we wanna do...n tht kinda thing...it was like one of them conversations wher it was completely buzzing wit a hundred n one ideas....like there was so much i needed to get off my mind...lolz...

saturday was..crazy...as was today...jus sooo much to do as prep for next week...was peeling carrots n garlic...n...ermm...shoppin...n so many otha things...i cant remember now...

n today..lolllzzz...i was mixin the achaaaar!!! lolllzzzzzz.....all them carrots n gobi n vinegar n chillis... omg...cant remember wat else..was funny tho...was like wading in it...lolz...n then went to the darzi....needed to get a jilbaab made for saturday too...gotta hav sumthin decent to wear!!! jus hope the hijaab i bought mathches properly wit it...n aarrggh...think i mite need to get trousers or sumthin wit it...hmm..nt sure...

didnt realise things wud b so stressful!!

arrggh...

am gna b bak later to blog sumthin i wrote last night...

xxx

 

im gna mke this short..cos i gtg n mke a phne call...me n tess wre havn a really good convi...on the train...so dint get to finish it...so we gna finish it nw....

ermm...days been ok...uni was ok...jus gettin really bugged wit myself....im nt wrkin hard enuff...n im gettin grades...tht i shudnt b...theyre not apalling....but theyre not gr8 either...feel like i need to go smack myself in the face...

its this whole thing again...feelin like im not who i want to be...tryin to b sum1 everyone else wants me to b...n wen im nt doin tht...all i hav are ppl who are disapointed in me...h8 this feelin

im gna b bak later

xxxx

they jus end up lettin u down...

u kno..its like...i kno ppl got otha things to do...but if u say u gonna do sumthin..then it wud b nice to hav it done...u get me?

n then like if its sumthin sum1 wants me to do...im the kinda person tht wud try my best to do it ASAP..unless ive got sumthin reaaalllyy important to do....

why is it tht i always seem to drop everythin for ppl who i consider "friends"....but wen it cmes to sumthin for me...its a completely different thing!?!

i kno i shudnt cmplain...but like...i am annoyed...its like...sum1 says they'll do sumthin for u..cos u think they mite b able to sort sumthin out fr u....but its taken like 3times the time it cudve taken...jus dnt kno wat to do!!

grrrr

am annoyed now

xxxx