Theres times inur life wen u realise tht things arent really wat they seem...n tht u really gotta get outa this bubble tht u live in..wake up...ur living in a dreamworld...n thud! U fall so hard to the ground tht ur not sure whether u cn pik urself up n try again...

Sumtimes the mind wanders...n wonders too...n sumtimes...it wanders off so far..tht u forget wat is real, n believe that wich is not, to be the reality tht u call ur life...sumtimes its hard to find tht balance between dreams n reality, n thts wher ur feet falter, n ur not sure whether to take a step forward or a step back...

Realisation, u wake up one day, n realise...realise wat?...that ur not really the person u think u are...ur not the person u want to be, n ur not the person othas want u to b either...so wher are u...stuck in sum kinda limbo tht u cant get out of...n the only way out...is just another dream tht cnt n wont become real...

Wake up, i tell myslf... wake up....nws the time...to wake up n realise...

Friendships arent wat they used to be...ppl arent who they used to be....time goes past n ppl change...ppl dont stay in touch, n friendships change...sometimes u wonder whether some are even worth holding on to...n others...u wonder whether theres any point u making an effort, yet still u do, thinking, hoping, that maybe u cn salvage things...not sure if its a string of hope tht ur both holding onto...or whether its a dead end tunnel where ur the only one hoping...

Ppl are so busy with their lives...i admit, even me...but an effort is made (most of the time) to keep in touch with ppl...but now, a feeling passes, tht tells me “dont bother”... “its not worth it”...why?...im not so sure...maybe its a feeling of...”im better off alone”...”who needs friends”....another part of me feels...its a cry of help, a feeling of loneliness...a missing of friends tht were once so close, n nw so far away...feelings of confusion, sadness...smiles mixed with tears, of memories, and good times as well as bad...heartache for those relationships tht cant b salvaged, n those tht were attempted to salvage and failed...

I admit, i can b stubborn as hell at times, and i kno im an attention seeker...but i dnt make it obvious, if i do, its to those whom i feel are the closest to me, n those tht i think abt more often than not.... yet doubt creeps into the mind...n i wonder whether i really am a friend..rather than jus a “time pass”, or a “shoulder to cry on when nobody else is gna listen”...im nt really botherd...cos no matter wat, i love all my friends, flaws n all...

Guess im feelin like this cos im goin away on Saturday....or maybe jus cos ive got a lot more time on my hands at the moment...altho...its pretty late to b thinkin in such ways....its nt good for the sleeping patterns...

I better get some sleep...

xxx

feels weird to kno tht unis over...

its only been a day n im boredddd i swer i gotta look for a job..im hatin bein ere!!!

well am off to india on saturday...its a weird feelin...1st time im gna b in india on my own..without family...well i mean ive got family ther..but i mean this family im with now...they nt gna b there...

dnt kno why im feelin nervous abt it...its not like im goin to a completly different country...been to india so many times..!! and egypt..was there for 10mths without family...hmm....im weird...

got shoppin n stuff to get done wen there...n dnt kno if im gna do much else...truthfully..dnt really feel like it...wanna watch a few movies...n jus kinda relax i guess...n worry abt the job thing wen i get bak inshaAllah...

jobs...hmm...wat do i wanna do...? nt sure...but as Lucy said to us yesterday...we dont need to kno wat we wanna do...cos even she didnt kno....i kno i dnt wana study anymore...altho doin a masters or TEFL do sound pretty good...maybe i'll tke it up later....Goldsmiths supposedly do TEFL's for ppl wit arabic experience....well...its a possibility...

dunno..

im gna miss uni....well nt uni...but the ppl...ive gotten to kno sum really gr8 ppl...n im gna miss em...tht mkes me sound like im nt gna keep in touch wit em...cos we're all in london...n its nt like i dnt hav their numbers or anythin...but its like..if i hardly see school friends...hw am i gna c uni m8s ....

idea! ...lol..im nt tellin

xxx